Repatriate Me!

On Sunday December 6th at 6:40 in the morning my father-in-law passed. He was a good man who had lived a hard life. He lived a good portion of his youth in Japan during the Japanese occupation of Korea where he was forced to take a Japanese name among other things that I was not privy too , but that a good history book will enlighten one on. He is survived by his wife, eight children and thirteen grandchildren.

Due to my poor Korean language skills I did not get to know him well but I had a lot of respect for him. He was kind, loved his family, and had a quick mind. He will be dearly missed by his family and friends.

Background

The funeral lasted three days and this is a report of my experience in the funeral, which is quite different from what I have experienced in Canada. I’m not going to provide any names or photo’s of family members out of respect for my in-laws and my father-in-law, though everyone was very happy to let me take a few pictures for personal memories especially as my wife won’t be able to visit her father’s resting place easily once we move to Canada. Additionally I was not the only person taking pictures.

For the record I have only been to three funerals in Canada; My grandmother’s when I was very young and I don’t remember much of it, My brother’s funeral and a classmates funeral when I was in high school. In Korea I have been to three previous funerals, but only as a guest and not deeply involved in the proceedings.
In March of this year my father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and in May was given 6 months to live, which was very accurate. For the last month my wife has been making weekly trips (4 hours on the train) to visit her father. This weekend she was going to stay home and take a break, but we received a call early Saturday evening that it was imperative that she go down. She arrived there just past midnight and spent the last six hours with her father.

Sunday morning I got the phone call, sent off several important emails to clients and also to my boss at the university where I teach that I would be gone for a few days, and then packed up the kids and got in the car. I arrived at the in-laws house in good time and we then moved to the funeral home, which in Korea is always part of a hospital.

Funeral Home

At this hospital there are four rooms for funerals whereas when I attended funeral at Seoul University Hospital there were about 8 rooms per floor and I believe 3 floors of funeral rooms though my memory may be wrong on that point. The other three rooms were empty which meant the entire foyer area was available for us and our guests and we didn’t have to worry about disturbing other mourners.

When guests first arrive they head to the greeting room which is about 3.5meters by 3 meters with a wall of flowers on one end and a picture of the deceased in the middle. To the right of the door is a slot for guests to deposit an envelope with cash as a gift to the family. The deceased’s family stands along one wall and waits while the guest pays their respects to the deceased. This is done by taking a flower from a basket next to the door walking up to the mantle and placing the flower there. Then the guest steps back and bows and prays to the photo of the deceased. This is a fully prostrate bow with ones knees on the floor and hands palm down and your forehead touching the floor as well.

Interestingly the flowers are recycled. Once the supply of flowers in the bucket is reduced the ones on the mantel are returned to the bucket for new guests to use.

The guests then stand up and turn to face the deceased’s family and both do the same bow to each other. Usually there is only one bow here, but occasionally the guest may choose to bow a second or third time which involves standing up and then bowing again. After this the guest is introduced to everyone by the family member that they know and following that proceed to the dining area.

The dining area is filled with traditional low tables where one sits on the floor. The food is supplied by the funeral home, but serving is taken care of by the family. I was told that it is possible to pay people to do this, but my in-laws did not take this option. Instead most of the serving was taken care of by the older children; high school students for the most part. I found out later that they received some money for their help – they really worked hard and without complaint during the entire funeral and deserve praise and the money they received.

Christian Sermons

My in-laws family is very large and also devout Christians. My brother-in-law is a Pastor at a mega church and my sister-in-laws husband is the head pastor at his church. The result of having so many children and grand children is that there were visitors from many different churches. Additionally people from the same church and/or company tended to come together in a group. As each group of church people arrived they would have a mini worship in the small room with the picture of my father-in-law.

These worships were rather short, usually opening with a prayer and then a hymn followed by a sermon of about 5-7 minutes and then a closing hymn and a final prayer. Following the service each group would then head into the dining area to eat and talk.

On the third day the final worship, and primary worship, was held in the morning for family members only. I’m not sure if guests would attend or not, but at this point there were no guests. The worship was also short and held in the first floor of the building in front of the casket.

When the sermon was completed I was asked to be a pallbearer (not sure if this is completely accurate) and helped carry the casket to the limousine bus where it was strapped into the cargo hold for transport to the crematorium, which was a 40km drive away since there wasn’t one available in the town where my in-laws live. I do not know if there are hearses in Korea, but my experience would suggest not and in my 13 years in Korea I have not seen any on the roads.

Most of the family got in the limousine bus and a few others drove their own car in a caravan to the crematorium. We drove our car and this was a good for us as it allowed our kids to take a nap. Along the highway everyone drove in a line of five vehicles, including the bus, with flashers blinking the whole way.

Crematorium

We arrived at the crematorium a little early and had to wait while another body was processed. The people in front of us where Buddhist and dressed in traditional Buddhist funeral clothing. I didn’t take a picture of them but found a picture on the internet (source#) While we were waiting we had another service standing outside of the bus next to the building.

After an hour and a half wait for the body to be burned, during which we had lunch, we proceeded to the graveyard. At the top of the hill of graves there is a new building where urns are interred. We arrived and placed the urn in the designated spot and held a brief prayer before returning to my in-laws home for the rest of the afternoon.

Other

There are a number of interesting things to point out about Korean funerals. As guests arrived I already mentioned the bowing. As a son-in-law I was required to be present and bow for all guests that arrived. As long as I was nearby when a guest or group of guests arrived I had to head to that room and greet them. This was expected of all five brother-in-laws, both sons. The ladies, mother-in-law and daughters were there often, but not always.

The men all wear black suits with white shirts and a black tie. If you do not have a black tie the funeral home will provide a tie for you. The women all wear black hanboks. I tried to find a picture of the black hanboks online but could not find one and out of respect to my family am not going to post pictures of them without their consent. Interestingly these hanboks are provided by the funeral home and are only meant to be worn for that funeral and then disposed of.

With a Buddhist family no doubt there would be different religious rites, but I was informed that the basic format for the funeral is the same: three days, bowing to the deceased and family members and dining area.

I was very surprised by the speed with which the funeral started. My father-in-law passed away at 6:40 am and I arrived at the funeral home after a long drive around 3:30 that afternoon and everything was already well underway. Clearly the length of the funeral is in part to allow visitors who live far away time to arrive and pay their respects.

Finally the funeral home runs 24 hours. This means that some family members will sleep at the funeral home and there is a small room provided for that with a shower stall. My mother-in-law, both brother-in-laws and a couple of my sister-in-laws slept there. My wife and I slept at my mother-in-laws house with our children as did others with young children.

On Sunday we arrived at 3:30 and stayed at the funeral home until 9:00pm. Monday we got there at about 9:30am and stayed until 9:30pm. Surprisingly my children, 7 and 3, survived the day without causing any problems and not too much boredom. That is in large part due to other children to play with outside and the older children doing a great job watching and entertaining them.

May my father-in-law rest in peace.